The Vintage Bagged Hoover

You are built like a small tank from an era when things were made to outlive their owners, and you have the dramatic wardrobe of nostalgia to match. You weigh a ton, you smell faintly of warm dust and childhood, and you have absolutely refused to change your bag-collecting ways for four decades. Heavy, theatrical, sentimental — a genuine classic that will still be running long after the trendy ones die.